I seldom engaged in much publicity contested issues, however the current climate in how the public and how even the community of GID confuses me greatly.

Are we going in the right direction? Is the interpretation of how we assume GID personnel correct? In my previous discussion, I mentioned that GID is a very broad generic based understanding of gender and many categories exist under this umbrella term. Yes, it seemingly is so broad that we are unable to look and classified the cases but rather looking at GID as a whole. GID exist on many levels at different stages and for some different environment settings. How do we then tend to look at this objectively? Well its hard to debate on who has GID or whom doesn’t. The only way we see it uniformly is that all GID personnel generally do not align with the gender assisgned at birth or rather that is what the basis of identity for GID. As mentioned earlier in my post, I do not align myself with the identification of other terms which I feel generally disassociate the real considerations for GID. Yes, undoubtly the classification splits into groups that worrys me in many ways such as considering the fact that GID is primarily a mental disorder that makes us different from the gender that we were born with. Till this date, till now I always recognise the fact that I was born in the wrong body and mind, which is why I had to choose the path to treat and make my mental mind in tune with my physical body that is in conflict with each other.

Nowadays we see many new terminology and identification of classes of GID personnel and labeling of names like ‘transgender’, ‘transsexual’, ‘post op woman’, ‘transwoman’ and etc. Such terminologies created, is it a necessity? Do we need to even categories us into various other groups of gender classification when we are trying to live the life of being an ordinary woman whom has seek treatment and recovered from the GID that once plagued us? Even after transitioning and currently living life as a gender that we strongly believe that we were born with the wrong physique after correction, should we still be subjected to another group of gender classification? Generally I am in support of most support groups whom provide care and medical advise as well as mental support for the GID personnel; it is needed don’t get me wrong, but are we going in the right destination considering the after phase of treatment and recovery? That is creating another stigma for GID personnel whom after transitioning is trying to lead a normal life and that also creates another portal of fear and rejection that such social labelling is being placed upon our belief. The external society constantly identifies us as different, often sees us as an alternative gender, is that truly the basis of what GID is about? Most public or society are not educated about GID or rather their perception is often that people often associated with GID issues are of a different ‘breed’, what is the basis? Is it thru the social platform of how we sterotype ourselves the main cause of such delimmia? Are we creating the platform to allow society to view us as ‘abnormal’?

I feel that we should go back and review what is GID and what is the concept of why one having such mental disorder? What is the aim that we are trying to cure ourselves and what do we expect to heal and recover ourselves mentally and of physically? I cant say for the masses and don’t represent the masses opinion but searching deep down within myself, I know that I need to correct myself to live as a normal woman and be recognise as a woman. This is whom I am suppose to be and not continue living my life as somewhat my physique body dictates my gender which I was born. I don’t see myself as somewhat different from the other woman, well of course I cant give birth, but apart from that I am living and thinking as similar to other woman that is around me. I don’t see any difference in why we have to be classified differently. I was talking to a fellow female colleague of mine and I asked, ‘what makes you identified what is the difference between a GID patient and what is not?’ She responded simply, ‘I don’t know, but isn’t that what the society often classified and categories the group? Too many terminologies around and that a ‘trans’ labelling often differentiates isn’t it?’

I wonder if further down this path, being constantly labeled as somewhat different or a different ‘breed’ is it the right thing that we are doing? Whilst we are trying to lead normal life yet we are creating society to look at us in another category and creating acceptance to this genre. Isn’t GID a mental illness so to begin with? Isn’t GID something that we aim to cure and become the corrected gender. So why cant we choose to stick with that? It is tough being diagnosis with GID and trying years to cure and recover ‘in all sense’ but having another barrier to ask society to judge us on another platform is something that I seriously cannot rationalise about. Can life be made simplistic? I am just a woman with a past. A woman whom had a mental disorder and now trying to live life normally after having seek medical treatments and in my recovery phase of life. Don’t judge me otherwise please. Don’t label me into another category that I totally don’t know or don’t feel familiar. Look at the basis of GID issues and what the main aim is that we are trying to achieve and I believe the answer is there on the wall. Don’t rocket science the issue.

This is a pretty contested topic somehow for myself. Yes, often it seems that Real Life Transition (RLT) is required during the transitioning stages to ensure that one can acustomed or adapt to their new live as one of the opposite gender. Such not only includes adaptability in terms of career, social life as well as mental challenge.

In terms of career, RLT enables what to expect of the opposite gender role in terms of financial stability as well as survivial primarily. Yes, amongst all this is the most important aspect. Reason is simple, cause everything cost money. HRT treatment and surgeries for transitioning aside, stacking bills and cost of living are something that one needs to fend for everyday. Without a proper income to sustainable the expenses, transitioning is literally out of the picture then. I must say that all transitioners first main focus should be focusing on ensuring a good education and finding financial freedom. Transitioning is part of it and should not be the main focus of one’s goals when placing importance. However, do note RLT more than often can be a double edge sword. I will explain shortly from my perspective in the later part.

Social life in terms of mixing with people, adapting and communication is very important as this will somehow benchmark your adaptability towards the opposite gender role. By interacting more, you will boost not only confidence but also allows your character to smoothen out and blend comfortably into the opposite gender. Perhaps this could also be an opportunity to rediscover your character as well as how you handle matters and also human touch from new perspective of the opposite gender role. Mannerisms are not defined. What is female and what is male gestures or behaviour? I do not reckon that there is a distinct difference after seeing so many extreme personalities myself. The most important key to adapting is to fall within the mean spectrum behaviour and not being seen as on either end of the statistics. I have noticed myself initially during my transition that I tend to be overly mimicking the character of a female, squealing and overly feminine gestures accompanying that makes me extreme and easily outed in public. It took awhile to observe and after various interaction did I adapt to a more mild and subtle behaviour well that I reckon falls pretty under the ‘normal’ radar of a woman character. People come and go in our lives, you may experience being outed but then again take it in stride and move on cause unlikely you will meet him or her again (well of course unless you choose to). For me, voice is essentially a big concern during RLT as this was something that could out me easily during my transitioning days. I fell into depression largely due to my voice. Yes, this is something at least for me that could in an instance destroy whatever impression I had created earlier. I tried many tones and pitches and practise communicating with people and slowly finding a voice that suits my appearance. Yes, some instances I was outed during this ‘training’ phase but seriously its thru interacting will you be able to know how well you can adapt and blend into the opposite role. There is no easy step. Essentially morphing into the correct personality that you are is the key to surviving in this society.

Mental, well needless to say, this is another big hurdle. Mental aspect well actually blankets above all. Can you take rejection? Can you accept the fact that people are actually talking behind your back? Can you accept the fact that people commenting that you are a freak or fag? Yes, being thru such I realise that physical abuse is nothing compared to the mental torture of such challenges. It can break you down so easily that you may even up suicidal to a certain extent. At least for me. I was put down, being seen as the lowest grade of animal around when I initially RLT. Your confidence and also morale literally will be turned to shreds if you encountered contested views or opinions direct or indirectly. During my earlier RLT time, I often hear voices within my head constantly whispering that someone is saying negative things or gossiping about me. I was constantly suspicious and often on the extreme brink of mental breakdown. Yes, I had attempted suicide due to certain occasions not being able to cross this barrier. Well of course I didn’t die, perhaps I was often lucky being saved at the critical stage. I shan’t go into that, too depressing to reflect it back on those days. I Guess you get the point, mental aspect during RLT also can be seen as a double edge sword, of course this is often complemented by other characteristics as well as physical attributes being in play.

Thinking about my RLT in the past, I felt thankful in some ways that it has enabled me to become who I am but yet at the same time almost destroyed me. Coming from career point of view, being in an Asian conservative country Singapore, where people often look at the LGB and also GID personnel as outcast or freaks, it will be a tremendous challenge to find a job much less to expect of a career path. More than often most will only be able to get mediocre job which pays you probably just enough to survive? Or sometimes barely even able to support oneself. Can generally forget about HRT or surgeries in reality. Yes, discrimination is there, don’t expect compassion or sympathy, cause back at where I come from, there is none. During my RLT days, well I was literally hunting for a job for 1 whole year. I literally threw out thousands of resumes for job applications, got selected for a few interviews but nothing more than that. Mind you, I had a good degree from one of the TOP universities in the world (ranking then was TOP 10) and Engineers was in demand then. That is the truth. Why? Cause people cannot understand what is GID in reality and often thinks of GID personnel as freaks and will be a hindrance in the workplace. So then living myself in the opposite role yet holding my identity card as the pre-operative gender then essentially halted and dented my career path. I cant speak for westernised countries, perhaps over there life is much easier? Westernised People are more accepting cause the understanding of GID is much better? If you are stuck in a conservative Asian society, RLT will be more of a stumbling block in your career life than be beneficial to you. Honestly I have friends whom have no choice but to choose alternative careers meaning working in the flesh trade and plying the streets.

Firstly I must stress that my views are solely based from my own perspective. Generally they are people whom view things differently (perhaps) and see things from other point of view.

Yes, I was born with Gender Identity Disorder (mostly termed as GID), since adolescence I felt that my thinking and identity often clash with my physical outlook. I guess most GID personnel do as well. I shan’t bored you with the long childhood sob story (as yet), but rather explain my thoughts on how I myself view Gender Identity Crisis, Transitioning and terms like transgender.

As most know GID, its a psychological disorder or rather akin to a related mental illness that reflects contradictory to the physical appearance or genetic appearance that one is born with. To recorrect this, I know that only few options lie in front of me. One, changing my mindset to suit/tailor to my genes or physical appearance of my birth. Two, to change my physical appearance and hormones to suit my mind. Three, to drag my life and keep in silence this mentality and till the point that I am unable to convince living, end it all and conclude my final destination as such.

Being raised in an Asian conservative family, I was often raised and brought up in a thinking that gender is what your parents born you with and that you must live up the role as what is given and many hopes and aspiration lies on being the only male member in the family. Yes, my parents truly loved me and put in all their efforts to put me with a good education. Coming to where I am now, a huge part of the contributing factor really must be attributed to them. With so much pining hopes and responsibilities falling on my shoulders, I took on the path of ignoring the existence of my GID issue and proceed to live a life of contradictory and mental augish, hoping that one day it will just go away and I can find peace. Yes, being young then and GID was rarely spoken off and often such GID personnel are being looked upon as weird and outcast, I kept silent and stuffed all my thoughts into my mental suitcase and live life as normal as possible on the surface. It’s truly hard to fathom really unless one whom undergoes such as well. To a perfectly normal mental healthy person, it will never be easy to relate to I guess, mostly will advise you to see a shrink and sort solutions, or its a passing fetish or even worse being seen as a Gay person (I have nothing against Gay, but GID is a whole different thing altogether.)

As I grew older, I realised that the mind is extremely powerful and it is not something that I can contest with. I started understanding what is GID and what is the relation to what I am going thru. I came to realise that this internal conflict battling my inner self every single day is that I am actually not in the correct fit of gender. Not one on the outside but one mentally on the inside. Honestly I did not know if I am a woman on the inside. Who will know what is a woman seriously? Behavioural? I don’t think so. What I can to realise is that in physical sense the body physical attributes don’t match what my mind is, well its kinda hard to explain. It’s like going to the wrong toilet in some sense, one of which feels totally out of place. Anyhow after tons of researching, I felt lost cause most people identify this GID as transitioners or transgender personnel. Well then I guess having GID means I am transgender or more so being labelled as such. As time progresses, I tried to adopt such mentality and went onto the transitioning path of trying to adhere my physical body and mind to be in tune to whom I was. Many terms were used to label me during transitioning stage. Such as pre-op transgender, post-op transgender, transitioner and transsexual. Woah I was thinking there are so many terms, am I becoming a third gender? What category do I fall within? Why do I lie on the gender marker path?

I don’t know really, I wish I can identify myself back then. I fell into a state of confusion cause this was totally new to me and that a third gender exist?! Which is then I started to understand myself. I honestly don’t see myself as a transgender or transsexual or whatever the term implies. Yes, I do have GID, that is without a doubt. But beyond that mental incapacity handicap, I am a person. There is no third gender. I just want to be who I am. A correct gender in the eyes of the society. I am just a woman.

Correct, I am just a woman, whom had a birth defect (akin to a physical defect such as blindness or one whom is burned with a cleft lip), now using medical science and treatment to correct this defect. Do I agree with the term Transgender or transsexual? Honestly no. I don’t see or even understand why there is such a term? To categorise the gender in today’s society? I dont see why there should be such a category being labelled. My perception is and will always be there are only 2 genders. Male and Female. However I do agree that during the interim phase, I am transitioning but NOT a Transitioner. If you put me on the stake and ask me who I am, yes I can tell you straight I was born a boy but now I see myself as a woman and no other. I am unfortunate to have a defect from young, one that puts me genectically and physically out of place to who I am suppose to be. I have seek treatment and changed myself to be back on womanhood track, thou this unfortunate birth defect has left me being deprive of a womb and unable to give birth; this birth defect has affected my genetic condition and not allow me to matured physically to which I am suppose to be. Yes, its a long path to correct this, its a painful one. However this does not deter me from being back on track to the correct gender that I was suppose to be born into. A female.

Yes, the society (even those in transitioning) may label GID as ‘trans’ or whichever but within myself I only identify as a woman. Honestly that is who I am suppose to be, who I am suppose to live and identify myself in today’s society. No offence, but I don’t relate to events about ‘Transgender Day of Remembrance’ or etc. If a term put more appropriately I would see it as ‘GID Patients day of Remembrance’. We are normal people, why do we need to be classified for a birth defect that puts us strangely into a category that does not exist? Due to an mental illness?

Ahh, one may argued, there are gays, lesbians or bisexuals being labelled. Whilst I don’t understand why GID should be placed in LGB group, I see it in another perspective. LGB category are sexual preferences. It’s a preference of choice. A choice of partners that differentiate the type of personality that one belongs to. It’s like one having preference to certain colours, certain food or even certain types of culture. Is it a norm? Well that is not for me to say, but one thing about LGB I certainly believe that each and everyone should have the right to love another. I definitely do recognise to the LGB group. Notice why I never mentioned LGBT as most would term it. Why? I believe that GID or so called the T is totally not related to LGB, even though I do not agree with the T term. As mentioned sexual preference and Gender identity are 2 separate issues. They should never be placed in the same consideration and not linked with one another. They can coexist in one person but similarly they can also be isolated of one another.

I often wonder why we tend to label terms for such. Yes to segregate preference, identities or even gender? Well stick to the generic for God’s sake and stop categorising GID personnel. We are just trying to correct what is wrong and putting ourselves in strange categories doesn’t seem to make sense. Maybe many others cannot understand or see eye to eye and carry with such classification, well cant be helped. No matter how, I just aim to lead my life as who I am to be. That is a female. No other ways about it. I have cured myself of GID and corrected myself to be rid of my birth defect. That’s it. Period.

My Journey Into the Unknown

Took me a Long time to actually get this started, honestly I do not know when this blog will cease neither what I will actually pen down onto this blog. Perhaps when this blog ends, will be when my journey Be concluded. Where do I start? Honestly I do not know. I have often been pondering at this current stage of my life, Where do I place myself? Definitely it has been a Long Long journey to come to where I am now….. I grew up in a pretty traditional Asian family, one that observes and practises strict conservative culture, morale values and discipline. I have 3 other siblings of which myself being the youngest. The expectation of being the youngest in the family often carries high expectations whilst coupled of course being the most focused. Sure, many will have said that being the youngest surely will be doted. Well, in a way that holds some truth but from another perspective this is one rope that shackles me and brings me much delimma and sadness throughout my childhood. Since young, I know I am different. I was never the child that my parents were being proud of. Rebel? No. It was something different, one that took me years to discover finally where I had to direct my path unto, one that I had to fight with loneliness, combat with pain and sadness as well as distributing such to my loved ones…

‘Life’s reality is often one that reflects an opposite perspective to your dreams’ – Chloe Tan