Firstly I must stress that my views are solely based from my own perspective. Generally they are people whom view things differently (perhaps) and see things from other point of view.
Yes, I was born with Gender Identity Disorder (mostly termed as GID), since adolescence I felt that my thinking and identity often clash with my physical outlook. I guess most GID personnel do as well. I shan’t bored you with the long childhood sob story (as yet), but rather explain my thoughts on how I myself view Gender Identity Crisis, Transitioning and terms like transgender.
As most know GID, its a psychological disorder or rather akin to a related mental illness that reflects contradictory to the physical appearance or genetic appearance that one is born with. To recorrect this, I know that only few options lie in front of me. One, changing my mindset to suit/tailor to my genes or physical appearance of my birth. Two, to change my physical appearance and hormones to suit my mind. Three, to drag my life and keep in silence this mentality and till the point that I am unable to convince living, end it all and conclude my final destination as such.
Being raised in an Asian conservative family, I was often raised and brought up in a thinking that gender is what your parents born you with and that you must live up the role as what is given and many hopes and aspiration lies on being the only male member in the family. Yes, my parents truly loved me and put in all their efforts to put me with a good education. Coming to where I am now, a huge part of the contributing factor really must be attributed to them. With so much pining hopes and responsibilities falling on my shoulders, I took on the path of ignoring the existence of my GID issue and proceed to live a life of contradictory and mental augish, hoping that one day it will just go away and I can find peace. Yes, being young then and GID was rarely spoken off and often such GID personnel are being looked upon as weird and outcast, I kept silent and stuffed all my thoughts into my mental suitcase and live life as normal as possible on the surface. It’s truly hard to fathom really unless one whom undergoes such as well. To a perfectly normal mental healthy person, it will never be easy to relate to I guess, mostly will advise you to see a shrink and sort solutions, or its a passing fetish or even worse being seen as a Gay person (I have nothing against Gay, but GID is a whole different thing altogether.)
As I grew older, I realised that the mind is extremely powerful and it is not something that I can contest with. I started understanding what is GID and what is the relation to what I am going thru. I came to realise that this internal conflict battling my inner self every single day is that I am actually not in the correct fit of gender. Not one on the outside but one mentally on the inside. Honestly I did not know if I am a woman on the inside. Who will know what is a woman seriously? Behavioural? I don’t think so. What I can to realise is that in physical sense the body physical attributes don’t match what my mind is, well its kinda hard to explain. It’s like going to the wrong toilet in some sense, one of which feels totally out of place. Anyhow after tons of researching, I felt lost cause most people identify this GID as transitioners or transgender personnel. Well then I guess having GID means I am transgender or more so being labelled as such. As time progresses, I tried to adopt such mentality and went onto the transitioning path of trying to adhere my physical body and mind to be in tune to whom I was. Many terms were used to label me during transitioning stage. Such as pre-op transgender, post-op transgender, transitioner and transsexual. Woah I was thinking there are so many terms, am I becoming a third gender? What category do I fall within? Why do I lie on the gender marker path?
I don’t know really, I wish I can identify myself back then. I fell into a state of confusion cause this was totally new to me and that a third gender exist?! Which is then I started to understand myself. I honestly don’t see myself as a transgender or transsexual or whatever the term implies. Yes, I do have GID, that is without a doubt. But beyond that mental incapacity handicap, I am a person. There is no third gender. I just want to be who I am. A correct gender in the eyes of the society. I am just a woman.
Correct, I am just a woman, whom had a birth defect (akin to a physical defect such as blindness or one whom is burned with a cleft lip), now using medical science and treatment to correct this defect. Do I agree with the term Transgender or transsexual? Honestly no. I don’t see or even understand why there is such a term? To categorise the gender in today’s society? I dont see why there should be such a category being labelled. My perception is and will always be there are only 2 genders. Male and Female. However I do agree that during the interim phase, I am transitioning but NOT a Transitioner. If you put me on the stake and ask me who I am, yes I can tell you straight I was born a boy but now I see myself as a woman and no other. I am unfortunate to have a defect from young, one that puts me genectically and physically out of place to who I am suppose to be. I have seek treatment and changed myself to be back on womanhood track, thou this unfortunate birth defect has left me being deprive of a womb and unable to give birth; this birth defect has affected my genetic condition and not allow me to matured physically to which I am suppose to be. Yes, its a long path to correct this, its a painful one. However this does not deter me from being back on track to the correct gender that I was suppose to be born into. A female.
Yes, the society (even those in transitioning) may label GID as ‘trans’ or whichever but within myself I only identify as a woman. Honestly that is who I am suppose to be, who I am suppose to live and identify myself in today’s society. No offence, but I don’t relate to events about ‘Transgender Day of Remembrance’ or etc. If a term put more appropriately I would see it as ‘GID Patients day of Remembrance’. We are normal people, why do we need to be classified for a birth defect that puts us strangely into a category that does not exist? Due to an mental illness?
Ahh, one may argued, there are gays, lesbians or bisexuals being labelled. Whilst I don’t understand why GID should be placed in LGB group, I see it in another perspective. LGB category are sexual preferences. It’s a preference of choice. A choice of partners that differentiate the type of personality that one belongs to. It’s like one having preference to certain colours, certain food or even certain types of culture. Is it a norm? Well that is not for me to say, but one thing about LGB I certainly believe that each and everyone should have the right to love another. I definitely do recognise to the LGB group. Notice why I never mentioned LGBT as most would term it. Why? I believe that GID or so called the T is totally not related to LGB, even though I do not agree with the T term. As mentioned sexual preference and Gender identity are 2 separate issues. They should never be placed in the same consideration and not linked with one another. They can coexist in one person but similarly they can also be isolated of one another.
I often wonder why we tend to label terms for such. Yes to segregate preference, identities or even gender? Well stick to the generic for God’s sake and stop categorising GID personnel. We are just trying to correct what is wrong and putting ourselves in strange categories doesn’t seem to make sense. Maybe many others cannot understand or see eye to eye and carry with such classification, well cant be helped. No matter how, I just aim to lead my life as who I am to be. That is a female. No other ways about it. I have cured myself of GID and corrected myself to be rid of my birth defect. That’s it. Period.
Chloe’s Life Journey 